May 16 2008
Why You Should Remain Friends with Your Ex
Getting a divorce is a trying time for all involved. Of course you, the spouses, suffer enormously as living and financial arrangements undergo an earthquake of changes all geared toward that final split of the legal marriage bond and all that it entails. But remember that family and friends suffer too. And often mistrust and increasing hostility pervades the relationship to its Court Ordered end.
I know it is a hard thing to accomplish, but if there is any way possible, you should make every effort ( and I mean every self effacing, deprecating, conciliatory effort known to mankind) to part as friends. Why??? The reasons are numerous.
One: for your own well being. Hate, revenge, retribution, disgust, despair and general enmity are as destructive to your physical and mental state as fast growing brain cancer cells. Whatever caused the divorce, whoever is at fault, whether you wanted it to happen or not, once the decision is made, even if it is not a joint decision, try to accept that this is an unexpected and unpleasant curve in the roadway of your life, but that your life will go on. And going down life’s path happy and reconciled with the past is way better than being sad, bitter, remorseful and angry. Also life is just easier when you’ve chosen dignity and respect over negativity.
Two: for your family (and I include friends in the definition of family here). While a marriage between two people can be dissolved and the finances and property split, a family created by the birth of children can never be split. The blood tie and usually the emotional connection are forever. So, remain friends with your ex because it is the best thing you can do for the betterment of the lives of your family – children, parents, grandparents, friends, pets, etc. Since a family unit cannot be split, don’t make people choose. And remember, you two can be an extraordinary example to your children of how to manage difficulties in life, if you remain strong, co-responsible, cooperating, loving parents to your children.
Three: for your business and financial aspects of life. Bank accounts, pension funds, investments, stocks, bonds, 401Ks, insurance, taxes, title to personal and real property. Rarely are all of these things effectively split or paid for and all paperwork resolved before the divorce is finalized. Therefore, some ongoing contact between former spouses is inevitable and cooperation between them absolutely necessary to tie up loose ends and protect the best interests of the finances of each.
Let’s focus on real estate. That is usually the largest investment people have in life, generally in the context of home ownership. A well handled divorce in Texas will result in a clear Divorce Decree or Property Settlement Agreement appended to the Decree that sets forth the legal description of the real estate and precise wording of awarding and vesting the title in one party and divesting the other of the title. Or the Decree or Agreement may leave them both in title, require a deed between the parties, or it may make requirements of sale with division of proceeds etc.
Unfortunately many divorces are not “well handled” when it comes to real estate. Some are incomplete and don’t cover all the property or make requirements for the future that are soon unrealistic because of change in market conditions or the health and circumstances of family members, etc. So having the cooperation of a former spouse to obtain a deed, or their signature on transaction documents, even many years after a divorce is a great benefit to facilitating real estate transactions.
Also the more acrimonious a divorce is, the more likely that mistakes will be made in proper submission of all necessary property or investments to the attorneys and/or the court, which of course won’t come up until one of the spouses is trying to sell or borrow money on the property in the future. Keeping it friendly during and after the divorce process is completed will result in a better outcome for everyone.
